The Cakewich Horror

Cakewich Must Die

The horror, the horror, when will it end?  

Before I can begin to tell you of my archenemy, the cakewich, I need to give you some background.  A previous job of mine was with a non-profit.  Although they were very conservative, non-profits in general seem to be more approachable places to work.  This one was no exception, for weddings or babies, a shower was thrown by HR and everyone in the building was invited to attend.

I had not been working there very long so this may have been my first shower.  The entire building of about 80 employees pours from the three story building into the kitchen which is bursting at the seams.  There are decorations and streamers and a large package (the present) in the room along with three, count them, three delicious cakes waiting on a table. This was around 11:30am and I had not had lunch yet, but who am I to turn away cake!  Plus, the place I work now serves birthday cakes at 9:20am, what a way to start the day.  But back to seven years ago, give or take, and lunch time...

I was excited by the cakes.

I could barely contain myself through the hellos and thank yous, the gift presentation and the tears... I wanted cake. And I was about to get a rude awakening.

The Director of HR walked over to three stunning cakes and started to cut slices. The first slice was really just cream cheese.  I love cream cheese frosting, but I knew it best to wait.  I am glad I did.  The second slice was cut... and the smell hit me.  These were not sweet delicious cakes hiding strawberries, jam or chocolate.  These are not even "plain-jane" yellow cakes.  In fact, these were no cakes at all but true impostors.  The smell at first was dizzying with too much to take in at one.  A large dose of sulfur combined with the refrigerated congealment of mayonaise?  Could it be?  Egg salad?  But not just egg salad, the scent of tuna was there as well, along with their partner in crime, ham.  A perfect trifecta of horror was discovered at that shower.  These were not desert cakes but the evil cakewich sandwiches.  No one at the shower under 35 knew what this atrocity represented or where it came from... the older ladies in the crowd regaled at the cakewich from showers past.

Betty Crocker offers a recipe, if you dare to indulge in the horrors of the cakewich, or Party Sandwich Loaf as Ms Crocker calls it.  Lovecraft himself could not create a more horrific entity then this, it would send Cthulu back from whence it came.

I want to warn people everywhere that there appears to be a "retro resurgance" of these monstrosities and we may have an epidemic on our hands in unborn children are forced to experience these horrors before even having a fighting chance to escape.

The cakewich knows all of my secrets, it has found each food item I cannot stand and combined them into a mighty enemy that I alone do not have the power to conquer... I must form a team, a select group of individuals who will help to stop the cakewich from spreading its evil grip on mankind, no, not just mankind, but the universe.